Disaster Surviving

Every day I am a disaster
Is a day I have survived

The chaos around me
Testament to my life

My house with dirt
And persistent smells

Because I do not have
The will to see myself into tomorrow

But I wake up
Open my eyes and enter
The world
No matter the despair I am feeling

My snail shell-
Safe and shameful -
Isn't a home really

It is a sack for my fragments
A kaleidoscope where I can shake myself
Put myself back together again

I don't forget to wear deodorant
There are just days I can't bring
Myself to wash
To take the time to care for myself
To stop running

My shame over takes me often
But I am still here
Working outside my spaces
Holding my flesh in place

Last time I fell in love
I nearly lost my snail shell
I forgot how to read my snail trails
And I lost myself

I still don't quite trust myself
So I engage in small acts of self sabotage
Reminding myself of where I can't
Where I am not worthy

You are bright, glowing.
Neat and contained
Except for the swirls in your head
I fall over my feet
But our bodies still hold each other

I want to say sorry
For being a disaster
I want to say
In explosions of blood and colour
That every day I am a disaster
Is a day I have survived