Fizzers (Fingers)

We were insane
 You and I
   Stretched out like
     Fizzers, in the sun

And mashed into each
 Other like small kids do with
    Fizzers, here
  My pink
Your green
And look! magic! twistscurls
  Swirls round and round and wrapping again and again
    And thinner and closer and how
 Tight can we make it until until
I want my pink and
 You want your green

But they have melted into each
Other, in the sun

So we put our mouths
  Together and
    Sucked
 The two flavours out
 End from end

We burned holes in our
  Tongues
   And still couldn't pry them apart,
(my green your
   pink)
      and we wrapped them
    round our sticky
fingers and
   pulled and pulled
     until they stretched out so far


one thin thin tightrope
                                 until the snap-
                                             when it came- was miniscule

until the only thing left between us was distance

Beat

if i have a word
in each of my cells

then i am paralysed
by their weight
their order

if i can get still enough that
my heart is the only beat

then i will find a way
to flow them through my
fingers and
out

into something new
(or old, but something
told at least)

but in this paralyses
i cannot
get my fingers
to move
and cannot get
my heart

to beat and not flutter

(and an ending)

if i lay quietly
and invited ants,
to eat away at me,

tiny mouthfuls of
skin
hair
flesh, then bone

would their mouths tickle
as they ate?

eating away years
and fears
and hope
and leaving empty
air
and an ending.

Cold coffee (In seeing you still)

Cold coffee and
Comfort
In seeing you still
In seeing you still
Here
But
With
Calm stillness collecting in you

In seeing you still
You against the rushed backdrop
Of capetown sea

(That sucks the movement
From city
Dwellers)

And remembering
A laugh

A spark spark (short
Sharp) of humour

I forgot layers my
Foundations (carefully
Chosen by my parents - made
Beyond my making)
---
In seeing you
Still still settling
Down

And I can trace you in
The insides of my feet,

My base
My conscience

I'll sip my cold coffee
And smile smile
Smile
You out to sea

Spark

There are still pieces
Of you in 
Me

Shrapnel like

Shards of dark turned light turned dark

As the memories of us sparkle
Then spark
Then glow red hot 

(and the ache
Is addictive)

Before cooling 
Back into
Their places spread
Out
Through my cells

topsy turvy

Topsy turvy
Wavy curvy,
Spin me silly,
Clown

Tipsy turvy
Save me, hurl me
Inside upside
Down

Topsy turvy
Blind me
whirl me
Til my covers blown

And red and Raw,
just sea
No shore

You have me where you want me

And clung to you
And flung from you

I gave up my sea for your promising

And drunk on you
And sunk on you

You dissolve. And I am left swallowing

Salt and tears
And death and fears

You have me where you want me

Tipsy turvy
Sneering surly,
Release me,
Sticky Clown

Cake

I am living only
By half ways,
I get glimpses in
To a whole

(Pretty pictures presented
Though success and togetherness
Well toned stomach muscles well
Trained pets
Well developed relationships)

My tongue sticks to
The glass, I
Can almost taste the cinnamon
On that perfectly baked
cake...

But I am drawn
Out by the rain, by thunder
By earthsky connections
And cakes
Are forgotten and if I
Remember then I know
I will have lost the recipe.

I can make you dreams
Of mercury thunder storms.

But I cannot make you cake.

And while you
Are part of that picture
That I am peering into,
(Or want to be part,
Or while I want to make you safe like
That
Stripping my cells of their shine)
I am only living
Halfly

Lightening playing beyond my reach

Swallow

I swallow names they
Make up my cells
Each taking up residence
In my foot my stomach
My gut and when
History is written painted too
Big they shiver and shift me
Into nausea into dance
And I must hear them
I must hear them

I swallow names they
Trip into my head
They converse with my thoughts and
Take over sometimes
And when I am still they
Are there with the braai and
Their tears, chairs scraping as
They are pulled together for
The conversation

I swallow names
They are there with their
Ancestors, lineage lullabies
And smallbig tales
Behind my crown

How can you
How can you still
How can you still pretend?

You have sat and
Drawn your
Testaments in the dust for
Years while reality floated
Away from you

How can you still pretend?